Double Crunch
by Taliax
Summary: Vanitas just wants some ice cream that won't catch his mouth on fire. (Crackfic inspired by chachacharlieco on tumblr)


**A/N: I regret** **everything** **nothing**

 **(crackship inspired by chachacharlieco on tumblr)**

Disney Town was repulsive. Buildings slathered in bright primary colors; tinny music blaring on repeat from some unidentifiable speaker system; anthropomorphic animals happily bleating and squeaking and quacking on top of it all. Absolutely disgusting.

Which, naturally, made it the best place to hide from Master Xehanort.

In Radiant Garden, he'd told Aqua he was just letting her live to be his backup, but that was only half true. He'd gotten his butt kicked. It was only because he'd underestimated her, but he still didn't want to report his failure to the old geezer just yet, not until he'd found a better way to spin the story.

And so, Disney Town.

He crouched on top of one of the bright-colored buildings, one that was nestled in the corner of the street, so he could see anyone coming up on him. Not that that was likely, but it would be just his luck for Ventus or Terra to show up and see him like this, still exhausted from his fight with Aqua. He glanced over the street leading down the racetrack - no signs of the keyblade wielders for now, at least. Just his Glidewinders zipping down the track. Wait - were they actually _racing_ against animals in carts?

Vanitas scowled. This place even corrupted his Unversed. Xehanort had _really_ better not find him here.

But he'd deal with the disobedient creatures later. For now, he just wanted to rest, and…

Something caught his eye below, and his mouth watered underneath his mask. _Ice cream._ A tiny duck was carrying a cone balanced with at least _ten scoops_ of the frozen dessert. Vanitas considered leaping down, keyblade bared, and taking it for himself. But not only would the duck probably spill the dessert in the process, Vanitas also didn't want to draw attention to himself here. Not that Xehanort would probably care if he murdered a stupid duck, but he wouldn't be able to use this world as a hiding place anymore.

Vanitas thought about finding an ice cream shop to steal from instead, when he had an even better idea. He focused on the hunger inside him and pulled it out, letting it wisp into the form of four Prize Pod Unversed.

These Unversed were even weirder than the Glidewinders. They never attacked - Vanitas didn't even know if they _could_ attack - and they would attempt to flee on sight. Which at least meant Xehanort was unlikely to find them, but also meant that Vanitas had to leap up and tackle one if he wanted to get at the mystery treats inside.

He jumped, barely catching one of the pot-shaped monsters in his arms - but he'd overestimated how much strength he had left, and he stumbled as he landed.

Which wouldn't have been a problem - if he hadn't been standing right at the edge of a building. His boot caught the lip of the ledge, and before he could curse his complete and utter stupidity, he was tumbling through the open air.

But he'd survived worse with even less strength; Xehanort had trained his reflexes by shoving him off cliffs. With the adrenaline pumping through him, he spun in midair and landed on his feet, his boots absorbing most of the impact.

 _Now_ he took a moment to curse. Had anyone seen him? No, the duck was gone, and the street was otherwise deserted except for himself and the Prize Pod clutched tight against his chest.

He dissolved his helmet and tossed the lid off of his struggling Unversed. "Stop that, idiot," he told it. Bad enough that the purple pots were useless without them being disobedient too.

He should really get out of here; he was far too exposed in the empty street, especially without his mask. But the Prize Pod would disappear in a few seconds anyway, and he had his mind set on getting some dessert first. He plunged his hand into the pot and stuffed the creamy insides into his mouth -

Only to nearly choke, fling the Prize Pod away from him, and start coughing violently. What kind of dessert was freaking _spicy?_ His eyes watered; he spat on the ground, trying to get the remnants of fiery goop out of his mouth. It didn't help. Where was a potion? He searched his commands in vain - he'd used his last one after his battle with Aqua.

That was it: today officially sucked.

"Oh, dear, are you alright?"

And then it sucked even worse.

His eyes shot up before he remembered he wasn't wearing his mask. The remnants of his disgust and shock were on full display. He flinched back, about to disappear through a dark corridor, when his brain processed who was talking to him.

She was a mouse, a little over half his height, wearing a poofy pink dress. The oddity of it almost made him laugh out loud, in spite of everything. Then he realized that she looked familiar. Where was it - of course. He'd fought a mouse that looked a lot like her, only a few days ago. He'd shown up at the Graveyard and stopped Vanitas from killing Ventus.

"Is something the matter?" She asked again when he didn't reply.

"I, uh, dropped my ice cream," he half-lied, mind still whirling. This had to be the world that that other mouse had come from. Maybe he could find some answers here, something that would help Xehanort's plan. It wouldn't be enough to save him from punishment over the mishap with Aqua, but it might be the difference between unbearable torture and slightly-more-bearable torture.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," The mouse said, noticing the half-chewed goop on the ground. Then she clasped her hands and smiled. "I have an idea. How about you come try out the ice cream machine the triplets just got working? They're looking for volunteers to help them make new flavors for the Dream Festival."

Vanitas blinked. Was she… was she offering him ice cream? What was the catch? Why was she being nice to him?

"Of course, you don't have to," she went on. "But it is free, on account of the Festival. I bet it would turn your frown upside down!"

His hand instinctively went to his face when he remembered his mask was still missing. He hated that feeling, like he was completely exposed - but for the moment that seemed to be working in his favor. That was probably why she didn't run screaming the second she saw him.

"Uh, sure," he replied, though he wasn't sure at all. It was probably a trap. But his mouth _was_ still burning from that demonic dessert.

"Oh, wonderful! It's right this way." She took his hand, making him flinch, and started walking back the way she'd come. "And where are my manners? My name is Minnie. Who are you?"

Who was he? He scowled. No one had ever asked for his name before, and he didn't volunteer it.

"...Ventus," he finally lied, to which Minnie frowned.

"I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly? I just met a Ventus. He's the one who helped the triplets fix their ice cream machine."

"Vanitas," he corrected quickly. "It's Vanitas." _Thanks a lot, Ventus. You'd better be gone by now…_ and Xehanort had better not touch this world with a forty-foot pole. Stupid, giving his name away, but what else could he do? Punch the mouse and run? Maybe he should have, but it was too late now.

And the ice cream was in sight. Two ducklings licked tall cones full of it. Vanitas's mouth watered again; he forced himself to keep it shut.

"It's so nice to meet you, Vanitas! Now, if you'll just have a seat over here, Huey and Louie will teach you how to use the machine."

The "machine" looked like some kind of mangled musical instrument. The two armrests were piano keyboards with giant keys, and there was a _cannon_ of all things sticking out of the front. The distrusting look he gave it was mirrored by the look the ducks gave him.

"Are you sure about this, Minnie?" One asked in what he probably thought was a whisper.

"Of course! Do you two not need help with the machine anymore?"

"Well, we do, but…"

"He's kinda funny lookin'," the other one piped in.

 _I can hear you, you know,_ Vanitas wanted to snap, but considering they were his ticket to free ice cream, he kept his mouth shut. Plus, he had some questions to ask Minnie later; he'd better behave long enough for her to trust him.

"Now, that's not nice at all! The point of the Dream Festival is to be nice to _everyone,_ even if they look a little different. You were nice to Ven, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but Ven looked a lot… I dunno, nicer."

"And he wasn't wearing a _skirt."_

That was it. Ice cream or no ice cream, clues or no clues, Vanitas wasn't going to stand around and take _ducks_ talking smack. He spun, ready to stalk off and open a dark corridor to anywhere else.

"Vanitas! Wait!"

He didn't. He kept walking, then noticed an open storm drain. Surely no one would bother him down there. He leapt down and was surprised to find it clean and well-lit, not like a sewer at all. Well, as long as it was isolated, that was what mattered.

He spat again, wishing he had some water. Or some ice cream. But he'd been right; there was a catch. Free ice cream was as much of a joke as someone actually being nice to him.

He stretched out his hand to open a corridor, but stopped when he heard someone descending the ladder behind him.

"Vanitas, wait." It was Minnie again - she'd followed him down here? How had she gotten that poofy dress through the storm drain? And how had she climbed down without spilling the bowl of ice cream in her hand?

"What are you doing?" He asked. Why had she followed him?

"I'm sorry about Huey and Louie," she said regretfully, then dropped the rest of the way to the ground. "They're still young. I hope you can forgive them."

"I'm not really the forgiving type," he replied. "It doesn't matter. I'm leaving anyway."

"So soon?" She blinked. "But you haven't even had time to enjoy the Festival."

He shrugged. "Festivals aren't my thing." ' _Enjoying'_ wasn't his thing. Xehanort had made sure of that when he'd torn him out of Ventus.

Minnie sighed. "Well, I'm sorry that we haven't been the best example of kindness to you, Vanitas. That's what the Dream Festival is really about. But I hope you'll accept this ice cream in apology."

She held out the bowl. It contained a giant scoop of pink ice cream, topped with fruit and two disks of chocolate that looked like Minnie's ears. Sticking out from the sides were… two tiny chocolate keyblades. And not just any keyblades - he'd seen blades like this. In a book Xehanort had shown him once.

They were shaped like his X-Blade one day would be.

"Vanitas?" Minnie asked, stepping closer, her face concerned. "There's something else the matter, isn't there?"

"No," he choked out. His eyes didn't leave the tiny chocolate keyblades. His hand stretched out, almost against his will. "Can I…?"

"Oh! Of course." She placed the bowl in his hands. Hiding behind the scoop of ice cream was a spoon. He didn't use utensils very often, but he remembered enough from his time as Ventus to use it instead of shoving the treat into his face with his hands.

His tastebuds melted, and this time not from the heat of spice. The ice cream was sweet, but not like chocolate or candy. Like fruit. Strawberries. When was the last time he'd had a strawberry?

Though he tried to savor it, the dessert lasted less than a minute. All that was left were the two keys, sitting in a shallow pool of melted pink. Even that he longed to slurp up, but then he noticed Minnie staring with a slightly forced smile. Instead he plucked out the last two chocolate pieces, crunched them in his mouth, and handed the bowl back.

Minnie still seemed to be waiting for something. Did she expect him to pay her after all? He frowned, then remembered that normal people usually said "thank you." So he did.

"You're welcome, dear." Her smile turned genuine. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Well, since she asked… "What was the deal with the keys? In the ice cream."

"Hm? Oh, I believe they're in reference to the ancient Keyblades. My husband has one, though it doesn't look quite like those."

Husband. Keyblade. Vanitas nearly threw up. That mouse he'd fought was her _husband?_

"...Huh," he managed to get out. "Well. It tasted good."

Minnie laughed a little. "I'm glad. Oh, I almost forgot - I have one more present for you before you go."

"What?"

She motioned for him to crouch down, and he reluctantly did. He was hoping for more food - but without warning she pulled a headband from her pocket and placed it on his head.

"Ah-!" He jumped back and touched it, slightly afraid it would explode. It didn't. There was something circular sticking out of it, like -

He ripped it off. It was a pair of mouse ears.

"Gah!" He threw them at the ground as Minnie giggled. "What was that for?"

"I thought it might make you laugh. You look like you could use something to laugh about."

He scowled. He would laugh about a lot of things - forging the X-Blade, beating Aqua, taking his body back from Ventus - but not headband with mouse ears. But, he had to admit… it was kind of funny that she'd tried.

So he let out a little chuckle. "See you around, Minnie."

He'd gotten what he came here for. So he reformed his helmet and stepped back into a dark corridor.

He smiled as he faded through the darkness, the taste of strawberry still on his tongue. As stupid as her husband was, Minnie wasn't so bad. Maybe after he forged the X-Blade and remade the world, he would let her live.

 **A/N: #sorrynotsorry**

 **(Fun fact: the Prize Pod was spicy because in Disney Town, the ingredients you get are Prickle Pepper and Toonbasco.)**


End file.
